bitter

Posted by summer_summer at 07:23 AM on November 20, 2008.

again. this is the saddest moment in my life. my family sucks. We dont have money anymore. our business is down. we dont have income. we're living on credit cards. thank God i got my tutorial classes and i dont need to ask for money to my dad. my mom always comes home late. my father's gone mad in making money to make ends meet. i hate my younger sister for  being such a devil. i hate her with all my heart. i dont like her. i dont love her. as much as possible, i dont wanna see her fuckin face.

and next, julius doesnt even seem to care bout our thesis!! i dont know. i dont wanna talk about it. im just angry bout it.

and i thought mike will be here for me in times like this. I remember i used to be there for him. when he needed someone to talk to. When he wanted to vent out his feelings. i was there to listen and be a friend. I was there to remind him that he's not alone. but he was never there for me. He doubted my love, loyalty and sincerity to him. im so broken. 

everything's fuck up. it's as if i dont have the right to be happy. fuck up life!! it's a mess. i wanna die. really. i wanna die. 

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i was sick

Posted by summer_summer at 03:59 AM on November 19, 2008.

i decided not to go to school today because i felt terribly ill. Last night was horrible. i felt so alone and my fever was skyrocketing; that high. Mama wasn't able to attend to me because she was sick too. Oh well, i figured out that im old enough to take care of myself. And though I didn't want to think about Mike the whole time i was sick, i somehow could feel the times that he was really sick and was alone. I just can't get him off my mind. Maybe he's one of the reasons why my system is weak. It's crazy but there was never a minute i stopped thinking bout him. How he has been doing but i know i don't have the right to ask him bout that since I don't want to look and behave like i was the only who is into him. I just pity myself and there's a need to control it. Of course i miss him very much. I used to tell him everything, bout how's my day has been and i still haven't got used to the fact that it's not going to be like that anymore. He was online a while ago and he told me he'd gonna be right back. The heck, he didn't come back and i waited for hours. I wanted to email him and ask him why he didnt come back but then again, i have to keep it to myself or blog about it (which is what im doing right now). I don't have the slightest right to ask him about anything.

i have a hard time in breathing. I felt like my breath are short and i have to breath deep so as not to ran out of it or fall short of it. I felt very sick and worried about my subjects in school too. I hope God will always be there for me. though i started the sem with fear, i want to give my best shot for this. I have to keep up and be good, though the things in my life are quite messy right now...

It's just that, mike is not with me now. I miss him. i do.

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my break

Posted by summer_summer at 06:50 PM on November 17, 2008.

im here at cnet and it's my break. i was planning to do my essay for our educ class but heck, i cant open the attached file in my email here. buh umm, american lit class scared me. coz first off, i dont like the crowd. lol. im not sure if i like the teacher either. I took them all up 2 years ago except for this class, well maybei overlooked at amlit and i really forgot to enrol to this subject.

i got an offline message from him saying that he missed me too. it tore me really. i really wanna held back the tears since im wit my friend here and plus the fact that im in a public place. i can't put to words my feelings when i read his message. i just wanna cry. waahh, im dying really.

and what hurts me more is that my friends doesnt have any idea how im breaking inside. I tried telling them but some just dont understand. im afraid they wont listen to me.

anyway, im feeling really sick right now. I had fever and cough. grr, i hate this. i can't take any physical sickness anymore. it's been too much. thank God i got Tabluas here. it relieves me a little coz i can speak wut's on my mind without holding back anything. but i pity myself coz this is all wut i got.

i left the house with my father angry and telling me and my mom that we are crazy, (mga buang man diay mo). i tried to forget about it but of course it hurts. He just thinks about my sister and never think about me that i have to go coz im goin to be late and the traffic is heavy. When my sister was still in school, he doesn't want her to be late and though it's out of his way, he'll drive her to school. And now that im in that situation, he got angry and telling me im crazy coz i didnt wait for my uncle to come.  my sister doesnt need the car but we do. he doesnt understand that i needed more than an hour to commute to get into school because our house is far and because it's traffic. so yeah, sometimes my mama is my angel. we left home and rode a taxi and i was even way too early for my class.

gotta go!

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wut's so sad about pretending

Posted by summer_summer at 01:56 AM on November 16, 2008.

it hurts more when all i wanna do is cry and yet i have to put up a smile to show to the people how i am completely doing okay. I wanna tell my friends how messed up i am but i can't even bring the subject to them. Im keeping it all inside. im drifting day by day. I'm losing hope. im lonely. and im not yet ready to admit it. i wish he's here with me right now coz i thought he would be the first person to be there for me. and yeah, i realized i'd be picking myself up and he will never be there for me. I should'nt have believed him and now im hurting like crazy. i've done everything and i know it to myself yet it's too hard to understand coz the distance really mattered. he will never stopped doubting at me and we're gunna be hurting ourselves even though God knows we're doing nothing to hurt each other. i understand that. 

awww..  i needed to get over wit this...

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SunDay :)

Posted by summer_summer at 07:53 PM on November 15, 2008.

I woke up early today. I found my sister changed clothes and yes im a bit surprise because she is not the type who would wake up early and be with us in the church. It's not that she doesnt want to go to church but she wanted more time to sleep on Sundays.

So yeah, forgive me God but i honestly have alot of things in mind when im inside the church. Wait, i dont go scrutinizing people in silence.But, for example, I noticed how church boys become younger and younger to me. And i realized that yeah, im really a grown up now, and plus the fact that i stopped caring bout the people around me. I dont have to feel insecure bout how the way i dress. I don't need to feel that i belong cause I've finally had found myself comfortable for who i am. And of course, no more crushing on the church boys. lol.

I also had prayed to God that He will guide me with my studies. Im really scared bout our upcoming thesis and i admit im not yet prepared for this. But through God's grace and guidance, i am determined to make it. I have to give my best shot in this. I wanna learn more. You know, u get this feeling of holding on to something when it's about to end or expire. oh well, ironies in life. I have to study hard for the last time! lol. 

Secondly, I am hoping that our family will make it through the hardships especially my father who have exerted effort for our business. It's not really good and we've been through financial crisis right at this moment. So i was thinking, instead of spending my money i get from my tutorials on clothes and hang outs, im going to save it for the expenses i will be needing for my thesis. so i have to say goodbye to hang outs and content myself just by looking at the clothes i really wanna have for myself.

and of course, i was also praying to God that He will heal my broken heart. i've been hurting so much recently and i guess there's nothing i can do but accept the changes. I got my family with me and they're enough for me. It's just that everything is not easy to forget. I forgive mike for hurting me and that's for sure. I just can't believe that i was at all waiting for nothing. I don't wanna be bitter but i guess i'd be single for the rest of my life. Lol. well, im not scared by that fact it's just that it makes me wonder how bad i really am for not having someone to be there for me.

Tomorrow is my first day of class though technically it started last week. I didn't go to class since there were no teachers and students were having the usual adjustment period. and for the last sem, I was happy with my grades! except that i got a 3.0 in my Rizal class. haha.. accodring to my friend Bing, she could just count it in her fingers the times i attended the class. haha. sorry

uhh, im watching prison break right now. sEason 3! i've been waiting for years for this. lol

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i understand

Posted by summer_summer at 09:44 AM on November 15, 2008.

i understand why he had to stop this.

i understand that this kind of pain is normal to anyone who had been borken-hearted.

though i hated him for this, i still want to understand the situation; that things we never expect would actually get in between of the plans.

i understand that sometimes, dreams are left shattered and that moving on would be pretty hard for me.

i just wished he'd understand how much i've been through just to make it work.

i just wished he'd understand that it's normal for me to ask him questions.

i just wished he's understand how he broke and crushed my heart...

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almost

Posted by summer_summer at 08:05 AM on November 15, 2008.

Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's to late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

[Verse 2]
I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say I should've grabbed you up and never let you go
I should've went out with you
I should've made you my boo boy
Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules
I should've went on a date
Should've found a way to escape
Should've turned a almost into
If it happened now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

[Verse 3]
(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You're all that I ever wanted
And you're my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there (sometimes I wanna rub ya)
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce (but tonight I wanna love ya)
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said its impossible to miss when you never had
Never, never almost had you (but tonight I wanna love ya)

i miss u so much mike.

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im missing him everyday

Posted by summer_summer at 09:02 PM on November 14, 2008.

everytime he doesnt want to talk to me, i dont panicked that much because there's something in me that says everything will be okay, but it's not what is happening right now. as a woman with instincts, i really feel that he's truly slipping away. I just felt sad that i have to say goodbye to all the things we've planned. and for consolation, i wanna think that everything he told me was all a lie. nothing but a lie. it's just that, why did he just do it now that i've learned to live a life with him. that im expecting too much. God knows that im not fooling him. how can i fool someone that i have loved so much. how can i hurt him when here i am containing the pain all by myself just to make it work. and maybe, we're not really meant for each other. im just too hard headed and now look at me. a mess. im scared of the new changes. im scared by the fact that i will forever ask to myself the "wut-cud've-been-ifs.." i need to comfort myself or else, i'll go nuts! lol i have to take all the pain until it's gone. and coz of that, i need to be strong for myself coz i realized he's not worth the wait...

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